When Mama Can "Mom" No More

“Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had, and dealing with fears you didn’t know existed.” - Linda Wooten

Myself and Miss Makeena a few short days before baby Paxton was born.

I have two incredible boys. I am so grateful for their delicious, squishy faces and infectious little laughs. All those things women say about their hearts being out side of their bodies and their hearts being so full of love they might burst, I now know what all of that means and feels like. These two tiny humans give my life with my husband so much dimension and purpose - it’s beyond words. But, there’s so much about having babies that so many people don’t talk about that I was NOT prepared for.

Baby Paxton a week after he was born. Photo by Wynne Earle

After having my first baby, I joined a wonderful mommy group where I met some great women that I am proud to call friends to this day. It was in that group, that little truths about life after having a baby started to finally come to light in our close-knit, little safe space. I learned about traumas with C-Sections and healing that didn’t seem right. We talked about the real experience of having our babies and how planning for it was basically a joke! It was in this group that I finally accepted that I was battling some EXTREME postpartum depression and was able to find the help I needed to cope. I will never understand why we don’t do more to support women postpartum and talk more about the real life things that can occur once your entire world has been shifted to a new normal in which a tiny human is completely reliant on you! To anyone who might be reading this and feeling a single ounce of sadness, anger, overwhelm, or any other emotion that feels confusing to you - please know that this and you are NORMAL!! And there is an entire world out there to support you and help you get to a place where you are able to be the very best mama you can.

The boys meeting for the first time, the morning after Baby Huxley was born

After my second baby, it didn’t take long for me to feel like something just wasn’t “in tact.” But, because these topics are tricky and sensitive, I went about my business believing that I was just healing and things may take a bit longer due to me having them in such quick succession. A few more weeks of discomfort went by and I finally scheduled an appointment with my gynecologist. Luckily, she’s one rad chic that I feel 100% comfortable with and was able to come right out with it. After a quick exam, I learned that I had Stage 3 Prolapse. To which, I started to feel extremely dizzy and am quite certain I started seeing stars. I had no idea what she was talking about, but when I had had conversations about cancer before, I knew that Stage 4 was really bad and here we were talking about a stage just below that.

When I was able to finally focus on what she was telling me, I learned that due to my pregnancies, my uterus was basically starting to fall out. Talking about MIND BLOWN! I didn’t this was a thing?! A thing that could happen to a person?! What the heck?! I’m young. I take care of myself. I had two healthy babies. Where the hell had I gone wrong? And then I leaned about how common this was and that just kind of pissed me off. Zero warning? My only thought here is that maybe people don’t warn moms about this because we’d all be too terrified to procreate.

In any case, I was prescribed physical therapy. For my lady parts. Yep, this too is a thing. And this too is something I had no clue existed. So, for the next year, I drove for an hour to get to physical therapy and back again. I did exercises three times a day and as each month went by, I became more and more devastated that I felt things just weren’t working. I mean, I LOVE to work out. I love seeing results! I’m motivated by results! I feel like results and I just might be best friends. And I wasn’t having any of them. I was honest with my PT that I was having mental and emotional set backs and because I was familiar with the postpartum depression, I was fearful that I was heading down a slippery slope. I have known for a long time, that being physically active is a major way I keep myself mentally and emotionally healthy. Considering I had been advised by both the physical therapist and gynecologist to hold off of working out or other strenuous activities for the foreseeable future, it had been a year and half since I was able do any of that and it was taking it’s toll.

So, the next step that was recommended was to meet with a surgeon. A Urologist to be exact. And I was terrified. I mean, I had both of my babies in a Birth Center to avoid hospitals. I generally only see Naturopathic Doctors in nice, quiet homey feeling facilities because that’s where I feel comfortable and safe. The intense whooshing of hospital doors makes me want to pee my pants with fear and that’s just part of who I am. But, to the surgeon I went to figure out what the next step on this journey was going to be for me. My lovely doctor was awesome. Kind and caring, with a side of sarcasm - just my style. After our examination, she told me that my best option with all things considered was to have a hysterectomy. I cried. I cried a lot. I called my mom and cried some more. It seemed that my only choices were to continue living the massively uncomfortable life I was living, or have a surgery that meant the option for having more children via my own body was over.

I scheduled the surgery because the doctor is always booked and figured if I wanted out, I could always cancel and spent the following few days going through a million “what ifs.” I had always imagined I would have a daughter! I’m so friggin girly, that I thought the possibility of not having a daughter was impossible. I will also say that my husband and I had always assumed we would only have two children, but, we also thought were were highly likely to only have two girls! I had a lot of fear in removing the option, but I also knew that I didn’t want to keep living daily like I was. For the next few weeks, I stayed really busy. I kept myself distracted and took solace in knowing that I still had one appointment left that I would have the opportunity to walk away from the surgery. And then that day came. And no new miracles had happened with my body. And no new cutting edge procedures had been approved. And in two days, I would be having a hysterectomy.

So, here I am, still healthy and vital. I still have my ovaries, which is GREAT! And I am more grateful than ever for my two beautiful humans and the man that made them possible. This has been a really emotional journey for me, one that I know sooooo many other incredible women navigate through in their own ways on their own paths. Reproductive health is so HUGE and so personal. This chapter in my life has given me so many blessings. To those who have traveled miles to be here by my side to give me extra hands with my busy boys - thank you. To those who have sent flowers and meals to help feed my family while I cannot - thank you. To those who have said encouraging words and let me know that all is going to be alright - thank you. I am so blessed with so many amazing people around me and I know that with each passing day, I will know that this is the right path for me.

If you’ve stopped by and taken the time to read this, thank YOU for being a part of my journey.

heather-scherie